Winter is here.

So the summer fizzled out a few weeks ago and an awesome fall chill has skittered around the last little bit. The past few days, however, have ushered in a terrible wintery cold that has my body slowly refusing to function. It’s amazing that after 12 weeks of not taking anti-depressants, the sinking of the summer sun can almost immediately cast the longest of shadows on my mind and the framework therein. As I crawled into my bed last night, tears were preparing their descent down my cheeks before I could even pull the blankets under my chin.  One of the most frustrating things for me is not being able to pinpoint a reason for why I’m crying/sad/lonely.  Of course it’s the unbalanced chemicals/hormones in my brain, but what triggered THAT is the real kicker. Why are you sad, Samantha? I don’t know. No reason. What can I do to help you? Nothing, there is nothing to be done. It’s quite possibly one of the most irritating, mind itching thing I’ve ever had to encounter, leading me last night to roll my face into my pillow and moan, “This suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.”

Fortunately the night did not finish with me breathing in my old pillowcase, rather with two of the most beautiful people in my world sitting on my bed telling funny stories, or saying nothing at all (whichever was most appropriate in the moment). Just so long as they’re there with me, it’s all that’s needed. It was then realized (the following may seem obvious, but for those who can relate you know it's sometimes hard to believe) that bad moods, sad feelings, down thoughts can't/don't/won't last forever. Wait, what? YES! Which realization leads this train of thought to the station of perspective. Episodes of depression will not last forever (they won't, don't argue.) I've come to learn to refuse to allow myself to judge my life or circumstances as a whole on how I'm feeling right in that moment. Your current mood does not define your current life. Just because you currently feel like you've got the face and value level of a garden gnome, does not mean your entire life is equivalent. Your mood ≠ your life. 

But what I always realize most prominently in these moments of seeming darkness and gloom, as backward as this may seem, is the great love that God has for me. He's given me this challenge of depression in my life, but has never left me to battle through it alone. I have depression, and I know that God loves me. Seeking the bright spots in the dark make these nights more bearable. 

Tonight's bright spots:

1. Best friend

2. Boyfriend

3. Sister

4. Quilt

5. Spicy Nacho Doritos

Goals to ward off the ugly beast we all know and love:

1. Exercise twice daily

2. Eat healthier (though I do love me some Dr. Pepper)

3. Reach out to others, no seclusion. 

4. The Beatles

5. Seek out the bright spots in this winter shadow.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.What we achieve too cheaply, we esteem too lightly."

Thomas Paine 

Here I Am.

Many of you know what I’m about to share and dedicate a blog to, many of you do not. It just goes to show that the most unexpected things happen to even the most unlikely of people.

For about the past 2 years, I have battled with severe depression. The highs and lows have ebbed and flowed with changes of circumstances in my life, and thanks to the grace of God, this ugly beast currently only rears its ugly face every couple of weeks or so. But when the depression comes, it comes; leaving me on my knees, head bent low, shoulder blades sinking. Many of you are dearly familiar with the darkness of which I speak, most of you probably on a level much deeper than my own, though the scenarios may be similar: one moment you’re having a whale of a time with your friends at a basketball game, heckling the opposing team, obnoxiously cheering on your own. When, like a light switch, something within is turned from on to off without a moment’s warning.  Suddenly all jokes made by those whose company you usually enjoy are irritating and immature (potentially the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard), energy is zapped and ALL interest in EVERYTHING around you drops to a big fat zero. Why? Heck if I know. Perhaps the little man inside your brain in charge of regulating chemicals and emotion has suddenly gone stark raving MAD and just may be using those chemicals, emotions and thoughts to make a personal meth lab. Well no matter what he’s doing in there, he’s abruptly and epically failing. And you’re miserable for it. Excellent.

Now maybe you’re smiling or maybe if I’m lucky you may have even laughed. But the truth is, we know it’s not really all that funny. But lookit, I figure if we’re going to have to deal with one of the most not funny things there is, we may as well be able to twist and stretch anything and everything around us to give us a good laugh or crack a smile, dangit. So here’s to all the really awful stuff in life, the not so awful stuff, the really not awful at all stuff (that’s the good stuff), and how a little positive thinking and appreciation of the little things can go a long, long way.

Sometimes life…well, life just sucks sometimes. – My Grandma, Renee Simmons