A Lefty's Lament

Lookit.
When I first made this blog I thought that the title, "A Lefty's Lament" was just something clever and maybe funny. Alliteration, and what have you. But this past Sunday I had a maddening (though not new) experience that made me realize: There IS a lamentation to be expressed for being a lefty! So here I am, lamenting. My plight, my curse, my gift...my hand orientation.
My mom was making meatloaf cupcakes (precious, I know. Rachael Ray, how would we survive without you?!) for dinner on Sunday and she asked me to portion out the uncooked meat into the cupcake tin to be baked in the oven. "Use this," she suggested as she handed me an ice cream scoop. Well that is a really handy tool when you're making meatloaf cupcakes, indeed, but the conflict between the tool and its wielder was quickly apparent when my left thumb jabbed at the air for a few seconds, searching for the lever that shoved the raw meat out of the scoop. "DO YOU SEE THIS?!" I demanded of the occupants of the kitchen. "DO YOU SEE THIS INJUSTICE?!" Perhaps overly dramatic in volume and tone, but the rhetorical question will ring true for the rest of eternity. I, in my righteous desires to help my mother make her deliciously adorable meatloaf cupcakes was denied, rejected and ridiculed. Where was the lever my thumb so hopelessly searched for? On the opposite side, placed perfectly for the use of the right hand. What kind of prejudice, hate filled world do we live in?
Come back with me:
My career at Ralph Dunlap Elementary spanned from 1994 to about the year 2000 or so. I vividly remember my happy days there. But even the joy and carefree days of my childhood were not free of left-handed prejudice. In one particular classroom, Mrs. Smilie, second grade, all of the scissors were kept in an empty coffee can on a shelf in the front of the class. Whenever we were going to do any sort of arts and crafts, all of us rambunctious little kids would scramble up to the supplies to get tape, glue, markers, scissors, etc. I would happily gather all the required tools, but look with dread at the scissors container. I could see all the other children nonchalantly grabbing the brightly colored, soft, plastic handled Crayola scissors. Now imagine that moment in a horror flick when someone is about to go into a room we all know they shouldn't. You know how the music gets really intense and it slowly zooms in on the doorknob, alternating between the dummy about to open it and the doorknob? So picture an 8 year old me, the creepy intense music playing. Alternate between my eyes full of dread and the rusty old coffee can that holds my fate. That moment when the music spikes and the door is flung open is equivalent to when I would see what scissors remained in that old coffee can. The dreaded rusty, too small, completely dull, useless, totally uncomfortable, all metal LEFT HANDED SCISSORS. "Oh, perfect, Samantha! Scissors just for you!" my teacher beamed as she handed me the old machetes. I hated those scissors, and I looked on spitefully as the other children cut happily away with ease. Defective, inferior scissors? Soon they would build me a second bathroom, of this I was sure.

In fifth grade my teacher tried to make me hold my pen or pencil a different way because as I wrote, my hand dragged and smeared all my words. Leaving my writing completely illegible, and lead and ink rubbed all over the side of my hand. Writing on a whiteboard was useless, the words were smudged and erased almost simultaneously as I wrote!
Forever will I be banished the the corner of the dinner table, as to not be a nuisance to those using their right hands to eat. No one enjoys knocking elbows with me.
I could lament for days over can openers. Can openers can take a long walk off a short bridge as far as I'm concerned.
I don't believe the shock in peoples' voices will ever fade when they realize, completely baffled, "Dude, Samantha, you're left handed??" I oughtta join the circus, I tell yah. I can't help but think of The Joker's sentiment: You're just a freak...like me!
I dedicate this post to all the brave men and women out there blessed with the curse of being left handed. We will prevail, and this world will one day learn enough decency to create common utensils and appliances for ALL people! We will not be second class citizens! We will not die younger! May we unite and with one voice, declare to all those who suppress us, "Although we are left handed, we are ALWAYS RIGHT!"