Black to White

It was like something out of a movie scene
A large window with a view of the mountains
It's not raining
But maybe it should be.
Chairs of different sizes and I'd imagine different comfort line the walls
The mother of course gets the comfiest chair,
'cause she hasn't left this room in three days.
Her baby lies on the bed
a tapestry of tubes, cords, wires weaving in and out
of hair, fingers, lips, nose, arms, legs, chest.
As if they never end
leading to beeping, clicking, wheezing contraptions
Serving whatever purpose.
Heartstrings
tangled and knotted and woven
deeper than all the machines
Tears
falling faster than the IV drip in her arm
Squiggles, squiggles, squiggles
on five different screens
spewing a language few can interpret
ascending and declining
peaks and valleys of anxiety and hope
but you trust it
you just do.
and what other choice is there?
Her chest rises and falls rapidly
shallow breaths in the deepest of sleeps.
Frozen fingers and toes
from keeping down the swelling
in her brain
It is large, no not metaphorically bursting with knowledge
Literally bigger than it ought to be
and she is dying.
She is dying.
Flickers of hope
a twitching eye,
a fighting heart
She's in a grey zone, he says
all you can do is watch and wait, he says
So we do.
"We're all such idiots. All but her. She's always so careful, so perfect."
Hope falls with the night
abruptly the world is so bleak
"I shouldn't have gone home, why would I have ever left her side?"
the beeping, clicking and wheezing decelerate
slower, slower
and stop.
She transitions from the grey to the black
and suddenly for Kenslee,
the most brilliant bright white.
An angel dwelt among us,
gone back from whence she came,
to the living presence of the living God.
To the palm of His hand where He wrote her name all those thousands of years ago.
35.
35 seconds, 35 minutes, days, months
35 years to tell this woman you love her
you appreciate her
you admire her
that your life is better because she is in it. 

Now these words fall on dirt

she was just here!

I just saw her days ago!

Then I watched her die on a hospital gurney.

Surrounded by those who loved her most.

just like that.

Life.

As fragile as a house of cards.

Life.

From one second to the next, a Russian roulette

and if you gamble with the ones you hold dear

and the love that you display

it will be too late.

It’s so easy to be resentful

to be prideful and  angry

But can’t you see

there is no time for anger

one minute they’re here and the next they’re gone

don’t take that chance

don’t live with that regret

or you’ll be sobbing apologies

to a lifeless body.
Hold them a little closer.
Hold them just
a little
closer.

"You take care of your sisters, Sammie.

You be grateful for them everyday."

---------------

I cranked up this song and sang it at the top of my lungs and cried on my drive home that night. We love you, Kenslee.

Here's why I think you're awesome.

I think everyone is awesome. 

I don't think everyone is perfect,

but I do think everyone is awesome. 

Everyone is awesome because there is not a single person out there that is exactly like the next. 

Each individual you pass and interact with is a complete walking novel with humor, tragedy, plot twists, excitement and solemness. 

I bet you could stop any person on the street, write down their story and have a New York Times best seller. Every single one. 

Because every person has a completely different life than yours, and that is exciting and intriguing and wonderful. 

The world is a library of human tales, being written and archived every moment, every day. 

Not everyone makes good decisions, or is really nice all the time. Not everyone is our best friend.

But everyone is awesome. 

Everyone is the lead character in a completely unique story that you couldn't make up in a million years. 

And I bet the story of all those around us is a page turner. 

You are awesome. 

You get to be the protagonist of your very own real life story, you get to choose how it ends.

You don't get to choose, necessarily, what difficulties or plot twists may come your way. 

But how the hero of the story (that's you) reacts and conquers those obstacles is completely up to you.

You are awesome because you have an awesome story, and everyone around you is awesome because their story is nothing like yours,

and yours is nothing like theirs. 

Be happy to be you. Because you are awesome. 

The earth population is a living library.

And you should never judge a book by its cover.

Fireworks

The phrase "the human experience" has been stuck in my head the past couple weeks (I get words and phrases stuck in my head, just like songs). I've been considering the beauty, joy and happiness that is intertwined with stress, heartache and sorrow of this life. There are things that you can almost always count on bringing tears to my eyes. They include, but certainly are not limited to: curtain call of a really good musical or play, the sound of children's voices singing, witnessing someone overcome struggle, army families being reunited, little kids celebrating after winning a sporting event, great speeches, fireworks. These all evoke great emotion in me, and make me grateful for the human experience.

Call me a sap, but yes, even fireworks. You all know the moment. We've all been there before.

Sitting in a fold up chair under a blanket, laying flat on your back next to friends or family, or pulling your knees up to your chest sitting on the curb in front of your house. We wait in anticipation staring up at the dark summer sky. Then comes the tiny streak of light racing upward, and suddenly the night sky is lit up with pops of red, yellow, green, purple, bright white. They rise and fall, crackle and burn, they burst and they fade, one right after the other.
And magically for those 5, 10, 15 minutes-- it's like the world pauses. Each person watching has the same reflection on their eyes as everyone else. We all smile, ooh and aah in subconscious unison. It's like suddenly everyone in that park, baseball field or parking lot are friends, all there together to watch the sky light up. For the duration of that firework display, there is peace. There is optimism and there is unity. Whatever sorrow, contention or stress that had been felt prior, is temporarily or entirely forgotten under the glow of fireworks.

And in that moment, yes, I get teary eyed. Overwhelmed for a moment over the beauty and excitement and total trip of the human experience. That we're here, living lives, experiencing super awesome things. Life isn't always a firework show, but everyday can be a wonder and a marvel, if you watch for it. And aren't we a bunch of lucky ducks to get to witness it? Goodnight, my friends. Be kind to one another.

Old Words

What makes the cogs in a clock turn?
What makes a wick continually burn?
What makes these feelings so hard to unlearn?
As I sit on this couch
Scrawl out these words
Waste this ink
While the clock keeps turning
and the flame keeps burning
the only thing I'm learning
is that things
           take
           time.

Million of letters
within millions of words
within millions of sentences
upon millions of pale blue lines
upon thousands of pages
and what?
You can't make a beach with a jar full of sand.
You can't hum on a kazoo and call yourself a band.
You can't break your legs and then rise up and stand.
Things
take
time.

So all these things keep going
but my pen is never slowing
my problem is with knowing
when to life my hand and
stop.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

Okay, you guys. I have to get out of my brain what has been festering there for the past couple days. This is to no one specific, (and at the same time it's to every individual person I know) because we all see it happen to people all the time. Don't take this post personally, or do take it personally. I don't care. I'm not here to offend, nor am I perfect at what it is I want to talk about, but man I can get passionate about it.

Lookit.

I am sick--SICK--of watching people I know and love sacrifice their values, beliefs, goals, dreams, ideals etc. for something easier and of less worth. I'm not just talking about people who share the same faith as me, I'm talking about any body with a brain and a pulse out there who, for whatever sad reason, chooses to live a life of dull dreams and mediocrity.

STOP IT.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE. What the heck are you doing with it? If you've got standards, uphold them. If you believe in something, stand up for it. If you've got goals, fight for them. If something/someone is in your life that is keeping you from your dreams, aspirations, longings, etc., ELIMINATE IT. Reject whoever tells you that you can't. Remove whoever tries to make you settle for less. As human beings we all have the ability to think, choose and act. CHOOSE to live your life before someone or something lives it for you. ACT! Do not be acted upon. Don't take no for an answer. Give a big you-know-what-hand-gesture to whoever tells you that you can't. This is your life! It is awesome and full of fantastic, incredible opportunities. Dream big! "But Samantha," you may lament, "my parents are losers who don't believe in me," or maybe, "but I really love him," or perhaps the greatest excuse and lie of them all, "I'm just not that kind of person, being successful/happy/great just isn't in the cards for me." et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Do you see how none of those excuses or sad thought processes matter? Stephen Covey said, "You are a product of your choices, not a victim of your circumstances." So stop playing the victim, man up and live the life you wanna live. 'Cause it's tickin' me right off.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

It's about backbone, people. Grow one. Whatever your value system may be, stick to it! Don't bow down to the first numb skull who tries to fool you. I understand how effortlessly easy it is to lower your own values and standards to meet another's instead of upholding your own. I personally am guilty of this. Do you ever feel good afterward? Have you ever said to yourself, "yeah, I'm glad I did what that person persuaded me to do instead of what I morally believe in." No, you haven't. No one has. So stop it! Stop being weak. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. EVERYDAY MATTERS. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. Choose what is important to you, and chain yourself to it. The word is integrity. Another word is tenacity. A metaphor is a backbone. Stop being weak and giving in to things less important, things of little to no value that you choose just because it's easy. Why does everyone want what's easy??? What a boring, flimsy, inconsequential individual--the person who always chooses what's easy. My dad said to me once, "Anything WORTH achieving, is going to be difficult to achieve." He's exactly right. So get over it, people. If you want a forgettable, mediocre life of no lasting value: let every change of the wind affect you, believe in nothing, give in to anything. Best of luck (not that you need luck, because this option is very easy.) On the other hand, if you want anything more than mediocrity, you better pull up your bootstraps and grit your teeth.

The unhappiest people I know are the ones who allow their circumstances to control them. The happiest people I know are the ones that ACT for themselves and create the life and love they dream of.

I guess I'm done with my rant. I love you all. I really do, and that's why I had to get all this out of my brain.

"What will be your greatest work? What will be your most important creation? I will tell you. Your greatest work, your most important creation is and ever will be you. What kind of person will you become? By this I do not mean what kind of role in life you will take. I don't mean will you be a lawyer, surfer, homemaker, engineer, computer programmer, accountant or the like. I do not refer to what kind of car you will drive; what kind of clothes you will wear; what kind of house you will live in; what kind of spouse you will marry; or what kind of family you will raise. I mean, when all of that is removed and there you stand alone, who will you be? I mean, you."

-Lawrence Corbridge

Man in the Moon

Sometimes I look up at the Man in the Moon and wonder why he's got such a surprised look on his face all the time, looking down on this little earth of ours. 

Is he shocked at the morals that decay more and more with each revolution? Perhaps it's the complete disregard of dignity and honor that once was held in such a high standard among the human race. 

My grandmother, when not far from her death, told me that in all her years of life, one of the saddest things she had seen was when a person never realizes their true potential as a human being; thereby squandering a precious power they never even knew they possessed. Or even worse, realizing and knowing their ability to achieve, their potential for greatness, and utterly wasting it through laziness, half-hearted efforts, complacency or ignorance.

I would imagine sentiments such as these may be cause enough for the Man in the Moon to continually open his eyes wide and let his jaw fall open in awe at the mediocrity of man, when we are capable of so much more than we allow ourselves to believe. 

Mediocrity will never do, you are capable of something better.

-Gordon B. Hinckley