Black to White

It was like something out of a movie scene
A large window with a view of the mountains
It's not raining
But maybe it should be.
Chairs of different sizes and I'd imagine different comfort line the walls
The mother of course gets the comfiest chair,
'cause she hasn't left this room in three days.
Her baby lies on the bed
a tapestry of tubes, cords, wires weaving in and out
of hair, fingers, lips, nose, arms, legs, chest.
As if they never end
leading to beeping, clicking, wheezing contraptions
Serving whatever purpose.
Heartstrings
tangled and knotted and woven
deeper than all the machines
Tears
falling faster than the IV drip in her arm
Squiggles, squiggles, squiggles
on five different screens
spewing a language few can interpret
ascending and declining
peaks and valleys of anxiety and hope
but you trust it
you just do.
and what other choice is there?
Her chest rises and falls rapidly
shallow breaths in the deepest of sleeps.
Frozen fingers and toes
from keeping down the swelling
in her brain
It is large, no not metaphorically bursting with knowledge
Literally bigger than it ought to be
and she is dying.
She is dying.
Flickers of hope
a twitching eye,
a fighting heart
She's in a grey zone, he says
all you can do is watch and wait, he says
So we do.
"We're all such idiots. All but her. She's always so careful, so perfect."
Hope falls with the night
abruptly the world is so bleak
"I shouldn't have gone home, why would I have ever left her side?"
the beeping, clicking and wheezing decelerate
slower, slower
and stop.
She transitions from the grey to the black
and suddenly for Kenslee,
the most brilliant bright white.
An angel dwelt among us,
gone back from whence she came,
to the living presence of the living God.
To the palm of His hand where He wrote her name all those thousands of years ago.
35.
35 seconds, 35 minutes, days, months
35 years to tell this woman you love her
you appreciate her
you admire her
that your life is better because she is in it. 

Now these words fall on dirt

she was just here!

I just saw her days ago!

Then I watched her die on a hospital gurney.

Surrounded by those who loved her most.

just like that.

Life.

As fragile as a house of cards.

Life.

From one second to the next, a Russian roulette

and if you gamble with the ones you hold dear

and the love that you display

it will be too late.

It’s so easy to be resentful

to be prideful and  angry

But can’t you see

there is no time for anger

one minute they’re here and the next they’re gone

don’t take that chance

don’t live with that regret

or you’ll be sobbing apologies

to a lifeless body.
Hold them a little closer.
Hold them just
a little
closer.

"You take care of your sisters, Sammie.

You be grateful for them everyday."

---------------

I cranked up this song and sang it at the top of my lungs and cried on my drive home that night. We love you, Kenslee.